If you are ever tempted to look for outside approval, realize that you have compromised your integrity.
If you need a witness, be your own.
-Epictetus, Discourses and Selected Writings
A warning and a challenge. Epictetus, one of the most well-known Stoic teachers, is known for his directness in laying out what ails mankind, and how to improve it. He often called his students “fools” and accused them of not demonstrating true philosophical study. Razor sharp and immoveable as a brick wall, Epictetus forced his students, and now his readers, through the fire of refinement. But how can one be their own witness? Doesn’t that logic lead to arrogance and isolation?
It seems contrary to human nature to forego outside approval. Outside approval is what kept us evolving, forming tribes and societies, leading to the advancements we have today. So why is it “compromising” to seek this approval?
Epictetus is not talking about social wellbeing or collaboration; rather, he is talking about judgement. Specifically, judgement over your own thoughts, decisions, and actions. “Did I do a good job?” “Am I deserving?” “Am I enough?” Answering these internalized questions of personal value and moral uprightness for one’s self is the goal.
It is tempting to seek the answers to those questions externally. Praise from others tells us we are doing something right in the eyes of our social group, that we belong—it relieves us of having to make that determination for ourselves and affirms our position in the group. It is human and natural to desire this approval, but where we purportedly compromise our integrity is when we seek it out. When we act with the goal of others taking notices because insecurity has taken control and demands answers.
At all times, you are able to be your own witness. This means that, if you desire feedback, you can and should give it to yourself. For example: “Did I make the right choice?” If you ask that of someone else, you are looking to be released from the burden of the choice you made. If you ask it of yourself, you are reflecting on the process of decision making, reexamining the evidence, and either affirming your decision or learning how to make a different choice next time. The process of reflection is witnessing to yourself.
Through the reflection process, you can see how each action points back to identity. “Am I a good person?” leads to: do I want to be a good person? If so, then what does a good person do, say and think? Am I meeting my personal standard of goodness? Does the thought or action that I’m insecure about fit in with those thoughts and actions? If not, how do I align them? Or maybe I need to rethink the premise- maybe my previous understanding of “good” has shifted. How do I adjust my behaviors to match my new values?
Every time you seek outside approval, know that you can go through that process yourself. It is a challenging process, the forging fire of character, but the refinement that comes from critical, internal examining is lasting work. External approval can provide immediate but temporary relief of burden but, under the surface, the insecurity remains.
Edited by Jeremy Harr and Abigail McKay Cherry