Every day and night keep thoughts like these at hand— write about them, read them aloud, talk to yourself and others about them.
—Epictetus
One of the most human things that we do is converse with others. The inherent power of conversation is sometimes lost on people, as so much communication these days is one-way traffic— consuming information through online videos or sharing thoughts in social media posts, for example. This is not a rehashing of the jaded “kids these days and their phones” quip that has been played to exhaustion. However, there is a disconnect between conversation and communication, where we speak and listen into the void but fail to fully understand one another.
The tipping point for change in thinking is often revealed when having to speak in such a way that another person can understand you. It seems obvious, but this process forces you to clean up your thinking, helping both the listener and you understand the thoughts more clearly. This is why one of David Perell’s FAST rules for writing is “speak.” Through organic conversation, clarity is attained, and that clarity carries into other means of communication.
Healthy relationships are founded upon conversation. One of the key components to any worthwhile relationship, whether a romantic partner, a friend, or even family, is communication. It feels like cultural wisdom: “communication is key!” But why does it seem like so few people are enacting it in their lives? Why are friends falling away, families falling apart? These are complex problems that have historically plagued humanity, but one of the observable reasons is connected to conversation.
Communication is key—but content matters more than the frequency (although attention should be paid to both). The humanity of conversation does not necessarily come in small talk, in organizing and reorganizing a to-do list, in managing the business of life. Instead, the humanity is revealed when meaningful conversations happen. “How are you really?” “How can I help?” “Please help me with this”— forthcoming disclosure, from one side or the other, and increased intimacy. That is where the true power of conversation lies.
An important aspect of this level of conversation is the establishment of safety through listening without judgement. Without safety, new ideas can’t spill out into the open. In a judgmental environment, the carefully crafted persona that we use to face the outside world is much more likely to hide our truth away than to let it be explored. Safety cannot be forced into a conversation— there is a time and a place for these kinds of conversations, and establishment of safety is as much historical as it is necessary at the moment of conversation.
Even outside of the emotional realm, conversation holds transformational power. How often do people get convinced of new information, new beliefs or deeper truth looking at facts and figures alone? In writing, any fact can be manipulated or distorted. People seek out news, articles and data that serves their pre-existing beliefs. This tendency is confirmation bias, and it is pervasive. But in person-to-person conversation? It’s harder to stand by things that you don’t understand well.
It is far and away easiest to solidify your beliefs by speaking with someone about them. The other person uses their knowledge, their life experiences and their emotions to filter everything that is said, providing new perspective. This can be affirming or critiquing, but no matter what, everyone is learning.
Having real conversations with loved ones, with people whom you trust, with new or unfamiliar people if you feel safe, is of daily importance. It is so easy to retreat into our camp and plant our flag without challenging ourselves. To cut off important conversations because they are hard or uncomfortable. To prefer small talk or silence to real human connection.
But we must demonstrate for others— the path to a kinder world begins with conversation.
Edited by Jeremy Harr and Abigail McKay Cherry
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Listening--truly comprehending what the other is saying--then responding in a genuine and thoughtful way is an art that can is honed through practice.