On Love
Love is the summary of virtue, the law, and is the most noble pursuit, the most human of actions. The urgency of love can be found in all cultures and religions, from the Golden Rule of Ancient Egypt that states “that which you hate to be done to you, do not do to another” to the Christian Bible, which says the summary of the law exists in loving your neighbor as yourself (Matthew 22:37-39), to the Hellenistic philosophies, which emphasize how to love well. Love is the ultimate culmination of all of the cardinal virtues; wisdom, justice, temperance, and especially courage.
Wisdom means to love discerningly. Love is a reciprocal process, and wisdom allows you to know whether or not the love you give is being returned. The concept of the “love bank” was introduced in a marriage book entitled His Needs, Her Needs. While the book is problematic in many ways, this concept is a diamond in the rough1. It proposes that, in any relationship, there is a bank into which deposits are made and withdrawals are taken. Deposits are positive things, such as helping a friend move or offering a shoulder to cry on. Withdrawals are negative things, from disparaging remarks to neglect. An ideal relationship, then, has a positive balance, and can thus survive human failing that results in withdrawals, even between the best of partners and friends. Wisdom is found here— true love comes from a good relationship, and wisdom separates the good from the bad.
Justice means to love fairly. To give the other person what is due, and to treat them with respect and dignity. This is the deposit side of the love bank; taking care of the other person, being honest with them even when it is difficult, working to help them be their best self. This is balanced with wisdom to prevent toxic relationships from poisoning the work you do to improve yourself.
Temperance means to love without harm. Doing your best to be kind, to resists asking for things of the other person that aren’t yours to take, and to avoid pulling the other person down when you are not at your best. This is the avoidance of withdrawals from the love bank. Keeping the negative at bay as you work to improve yourself, balancing again with wisdom to know when to ask for help, but not imposing on someone else for relief you can only give yourself.
Lastly, to love takes courage. It is the most courageous act. The human condition sentences us to a life of anxiety about death. But love? Love sentences us to a life of anxiety about others’ deaths. Therefore, to love someone is to look at death and say, “I know you will win in the end, but this is worth it anyway.” To love is to take on grief for all of those whom you love. It’s to ascribe the highest meaning, knowing that the sands of time will wipe it away. It is a declaration of consciousness that, in spite of it all, we will love anyway.
Or rather, because of it all. All that is truly ours is the present moment. All choice is made in the present moment. All love is made in the present moment.
As the philosopher-king Marcus Aurelius wrote in Meditations: “The things ordained for you—teach yourself to be at one with those. And the people who share them with you—treat them with love. With real love.”
Edited by Jeremy Harr and Abigail McKay Cherry
Seneca, the oft quoted Stoic, quipped that “truth belongs to everyone” when his friend Lucilius questioned why he so frequently quoted Epicurus, founder of the rival school to Stoicism